How It Was For Me
by SophiaCollins
Summary: This story follows Edward from the time he told Bella he was leaving in New Moon and shows you what he did and how he dealt with leaving his love. This story will bring you face to face with everything Edward felt. Its the story you always wanted to hear.
1. Ch 1 Leaving

CH. 1. Leaving

"Alice is gone?" Her voice was shockingly bland. There was no emotion in it other than disbelief. I knew I needed to make her let go. I didn't want her to hate Alice not for something I was going to do.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I wanted to tell her that Alice almost killed me over this decision, but it was mine to make and she had to honor me in that. I heard Bella's breathe come in short and fast I wanted to reach out to her. To make sure she would be alright. But I didn't. I stood in front of her as still and as uncaring as a statue while I saw how she felt like her whole world stopped making sense. If there was one thought in my mind that she would not be okay after this I would not be leaving, but Bella is strong I told myself time and time again. She will be sad for a while but human minds when trying to cope push out the memories that might cause harm. Then Bella would recover and find someone else better for her than I could ever be and move on. I just hoped it was not the God forsaken _Mike Newton_.

"Goodbye, Bella." I made sure my voice was resigned and peaceful. Nothing about me would make her think I still needed her like she needed air to breathe.

I almost lost control of my charade when I heard her choke out a weak, "Wait!" and then she reached for me. I knew that when she saw me respond my reaching out to hold her in place she had a glimmer of hope that she somehow got through to me. That made saying goodbye just so much harder. I knew I would be breaking her heart. I knew she would one day hate me for it but I was the price I would pay to give her the life she deserved.

She would never know how when I pressed my lips against her forehead for the briefest second my world crumbled down around me. If I could still cry she would have felt a tear hit her cheek I am sure of it. But in the quickest of seconds my last contact to Bella Swan was over I whispered a simple, "Take care of yourself" against her cheek, then I took off not looking back, afraid if I did I would not be able to keep going.

I was running as fast as I could. I reached the city limits of forks and before I knew it I was safely in Canada. I was planning to stop outside of Seattle to clear my head and wait till morning so I could be somewhat close to Bella at least for one more night. Now that I was in Canada I could not will myself to go back. I sat down or a more actuate statement would be I collapsed. My legs just gave out. So there I lay just staring at the sky. I watched it go from a cloudy afternoon to a beautiful sunset to a peaceful starry night.

I stared at the stars for only a short while in my terms but must have been several hours for the sun were starting to rise once more. I knew where I wanted to be more than anything and that was with Bella my Bella. I scolded myself for thinking that. I left her for a good reason, so she could be better, happier, and more normal. I was hurting her and impairing her whenever I was around. I would not do that anymore to her. I had to let her move on and live out the rest of her life as a normal human would.

While thinking about this I started walking, not running, just walking. I had the rest of my existents' to live out alone I would surly take my time living it. As I was walking my mind since it can hold onto many thoughts at once was both thinking about what to do next, a much easier train of thought, while another part went back to the day when I nearly lost my Bella. The day James had almost killed her. This hurt almost tripled that hurt. For I knew back then what I still know now, if Bella Swan was to ever die I would follow swiftly after. Even though I chose for both of us a life apart from each other I would not live in a world where she did not exist.

The difference was clear in my head but to others like Alice it had to be spelled out for her, I remember that conversation like it happened mere moments ago. When in fact it happened a few minutes after she realized that I had realized how in love with Bella Swan I was becoming.

_"Edward you do realize you are being extremely unfair!" I grimaced at her internal shouting._ I remember that we were all still gathered around the "kitchen" table discussing what was to be done about Bella. They all knew my side and where I stood, likewise we all understood Jaspers side. I was trying to defuse the situation before it got too bad, but that was before Alice started to throw these metal pictures into my head. One after another, pictures of Bella and I holding hands, hugging, kissing, then the worst two of all Bella pale white and ice cold with red eyes that belong to evil itself. The last one if it was even possible was worse. Alice had actually seen a vision of me with blood smeared all of my face holding a limp Bella in my arms, completely drained of blood.

"_Either you will kill her one day Edward or she will become like us. I see no third option." Alice stared earnestly into my eyes begging me to see this the way she did. _

The thing was I did see it through her eyes I had no choice. Did I want to spend my forever with Bella of course there is nothing I have ever wanted and will ever want more. That is why I left her. I would not be the reason for her soul to be taken away from her. I would not damn her to an endless day. I would provide her with the escape that she would never ask for on her own.

_"Edward I think you are being selfish Bella will want to meet me. We are going to be best friends. You cannot take her away from me!" I glared at Alice _

_ "You will not go near her Alice. I will not have her involved in this. If I can stay away from Bella so can you!" _ That got the rest of the rooms' attention. Alice and I could carry out conversations pretty well in our heads as long as I did not really need to speak.

_"What are you and Alice talking about?" Emmett's impatient voice roared. "It's not fair if you two are carrying on a mental conversation. Need to take an extra step to help out the mutes out here." _Emmett always had and still has a way to make the most awkward conversations a little less awkward.

_ "Don't you see Emmett; our Edward here has fallen in love with the Swan girl." _

_ "Rosalie…" Jasper tried to calm her down for even I could see how upset she was getting. _When Rosalie is upset you better run and take cover.

_"Oh shut it Jasper I am fine. But how could you Edward! You will put us all at risk for a mere and fragile human girl, a less than average one at that." _I remember attempting to jump across the table at her baring my teeth and hissing at her. I also remember Emmett tackling me. Then Carlisle being like always a father figure gave me this advice; _"Edward you have been alone a very long time, Esme and I have always worried and wondered when you would find your soul mate. I hate to say but I began to think that maybe I cheated death with you and with our whole family so death was going to punish you by not giving you your soul mate. I realize now I was wrong, but Edward I still think death is punishing you. Why maybe it is because of the past mistakes you still haven't fully forgiven yourself for…" _Then Esme ran up hearing mine and Carlisle's conversation said this before he could go on anymore,

_"Edward I do not know why this has happened to you but I know that it would only happen to you because you are the only one who would know the right thing to do."_

I know Esme did not think this, me leaving Bella, was at all the right thing to do. It was my only option though. Carlisle did not have to deal with the thought of taking some ones soul away because he saved us from death. I would not being doing that for Bella. I would be taking away her soul not to save her but to keep her for my selfish wants.

I kicked my memories out of my mind I could not bear to keep thinking about Bella it hurt too much. It made my nonexistent heart throb as if huge holes had been torn out of it. It was an extremely good thing that I did not need to breathe because if I did I knew I would be gasping. I needed to get my mind away from everything Bella related.

To do that I began to run again, I needed to go faster so fast that when I stopped to see where I was I would be hundreds of hundreds of miles away from Bella.


	2. Ch 2 Warnings

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**Happy Christmas Eve everyone **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I liked writing it. **

Ch. 2 Warnings

It was early morning about what I would say was four days after I left Bella. That's how I kept track of time, one day after I ruined my life, two days after I gave up my soul mate, three days of agonized living. It is a never ending slideshow of memories of pure torture.

I had been running and hunting that's all. I only stopped when I was feeding. I did not rest because I did not need to. I certainly did not want to stop because while I was running the hunters instinct in me was more active. I ran across Victoria's path earlier this morning and had decided that even though I could not be with Bella and that if I did stay with her I would be causing her more pain than good that I would make up for the agony I had caused her by hunting down the person who tried to kill her.

If there was one thing I was terrible at it was tracking. I could not get the hang of it. It would have been so much easier if I could hear Victoria's thoughts. Just if she was close enough. All the trails of her that I was finding were old very old. The thing about scents is the only way to tell how fresh they are is how strong they are and if I can hear the person or in this case vampire's thoughts that go along with it. Even scents can lie though. I knew that the scents I was picking up weren't fresh. They had been laid out maybe months ago anything beyond that I had no idea how to figure out.

There were times during the day when I would think I hit a new lead. Times when her scent got stronger that I would wish that I knew how to function on this field better. Times where I wish I was more like James. Not in the fact that I wanted to kill people. Just that I would be able to find someone if I really needed to, humans would always be easy to find if I needed to. Bella was guarded by a coven of vampires and he still managed to get her alone in a room. Vampires were more difficult. Vampires do not leave a trail of information behind. We lie. It is the best thing we know how to do. I lie to everyone every day. How old are you, seventeen, the biggest lie right there. I could not tell them my real age for it is humanly impossible.

That right there that phase is what had me stop dead in my tracks in the middle of Idaho. I had for the longest time wished I was human. Not in the sick way Rosalie did, but in a way that would make life easier. I did not mind the emotions of being human but I did not beg for them to be returned like Rosalie. I tried so hard to be human for Bella. I wanted; no I needed to be human for her, because if I was not human she would have to become a vampire for us to ever be happy or compatible. I could have borne never aging while she did. I just could not ask her to settle for me. It would not be fair for her. If there was ever a way I could go and change myself to be human for her I would have. I would have given up the soul I do not have just so I could be human and we could be together, but that is not how it works and the other option was not acceptable.

I took a deep breath and cleared my mind again and for what seemed like the thirtieth time of anything Bella. I just absorbed the scent of Victoria. Just focused on that scent and continued to run again. If thinking about Bella did not make me want to lie down and curl up into a ball every time I did I would welcome the pictures of us I held locked in a vault in the back of my mind. That was the only reason I had covered so little ground. Every time I even thought of her name it would make it hard for me to function. I had been getting better though. I could think about her if I wasn't thinking about her which sounds as mental as it is. I could think about her horrid birthday party if I didn't think about her just what the caked looked like. Or I could think about prom if I thought about her friends and the music. I could think about James and how he attacked a girl that I saved and that I loved as long as I did not picture Bella in my mind or say her name.

I looked up to notice that I was on my back lying on the ground. When I collapsed I would guess would be right after I pictured her dressed at prom and before the picture of her heartbroken face the day I left her. I did not need to breathe but that did not stop me from gasping or sobbing was a better word for it. If I was human I would have been crying, and not a manly cry either that is all silent and brooding. No it would have been a full out bawl that had me shaking and my eyes would have turned red and my throat would be soar the works.

While I was kneeling on the floor of the now Utah ground my phone beeped to life, Alice made me take one so they could reach me I refused my old one afraid Bella would call it and my resolve would waver. "Hello." My voice was as steady as it would have been if I was waiting in line for a boring movie for three hours. No one would hear the sorrow in my words.

"You said you would call!"

"Alice your physic you do not need me to call." I could practically see her rolling her eyes .

"That's not the point!" she whined

"Then what is? I am busy." _Lie._

"Like you said I'm physic so I know you are not too busy to call. It's more like you are to um I don't know OUT OF YOUR MIND to call." That was Alice's point of view summed up right there. She thought I was crazy for leaving Bella. The truth was I was _going_ crazy because I left her. I knew that if I was human and I had a human family they would probably hospitalize me with severe depression because that is all I felt was depressed, which did not even sum up what I felt at all. I felt dead which was saying a lot seeing how I am dead.

"Edward! You are not even listening to me."

"Alice you said that Carlisle and Esme want me to move back in with you guys. That they would make it as easy as possible and that running around could be dangerous, oh and tell Rose that I heard her comment _Bella was not even that pretty why is he so upset she was just a dumb human girl. Needs to man up and move on if you ask me._ Tell Rose that Bella is more beautiful than she can ever wish to be in my eyes. Then I hung up the phone and shoved it in my pocket knowing Alice would never forgive me for throwing it away.

I knew Alice would call back what I did not know was that it would be only seconds later. "Alice hasn't you ever heard of being courteous? I mean I hung up for a reason at least give me time to cool down."

"Courtesy is for those who do not take there sisters' best friends away." I winced at the mention of Bella. It was one thing when I inflicted myself with the pain a whole new thing when someone did it for me.

"Alice I have to go." I went to hang up the phone but what Alice said next made me hate myself fair more than I thought possible.

"Bella is DYING!" Alice's voice rung strong and clear, I stopped in my place and was frozen in place. I could not respond. If I had killed Bella I would surely never forgive myself.

"Ok I know you are still there. Now do not freak out and go and do something stupid just listen. Bella is um freaking out. She will not eat or drink. I am worried for her. Edward she is not taking this very well. I think you need to go back. Is this sick and twisted plan for her really what you want?" Alice's voice drifted of almost soft and calming.

To say I was relieved that Bella was not actually dying was the understatement of my existent. "Alice, Bella is strong she will pull through. She is just sad right now. I ruined her life don't you see? I have poisoned it so much that she does not understand how to live without us there. She needs to go through her own sense of rehab. She will forget her feelings for us soon enough don't worry." I wanted for my own revolting mind for her to never forget me and to never move on but I knew deep down that she needed to that it was healthier for her too do that.

"Edward she loves you like I love Jasper I would never completely heal from that. Just like you will never heal from giving her up, you two are soul mates. There will be no one better for her other than y…"

"NO! She will find a better more normal and happier life! I will not be the reason she is forever unhappy and unsafe!" I was screaming and if anyone was within a thousand yards they would surely hear me.

"She was happy with you." I went to respond but she clicked off the phone. I was not done talking to her though. I screamed up into the sky knowing she was watching me.

"Alice! You need to stop watching her! I already told you that before. She needs to go on with her life without us. You need to move on and so do I! She will be happier with someone else I promise you!" I knew that if anyone was standing next to me they would ask me who I was trying to prove that to Alice or myself. I still needed to figure that one out.

It had been weeks and I had been running and hunting and tracking. The only other thing I did was fail at not thinking about Bella which would case me to fail at doing everything else. It would happen mid-kill, mid-jump, or when I was about to take a rapid turn. When it did happen the same thing would happen every time. I would see the memory that I was thinking about then it would change to the scene in the forest when I tore her out of my life. Then I would realize I was not moving and that my eyes were closed. I would open them to then realize that I was on the ground. I had though by now not needed to ever open my eyes for I already knew where I was. Then I would lie on the ground until I had enough will power to keep going. It could take minutes or even hours. Once when I was in a small shop in the outskirts of some city in a some state—I stopped keeping track about three weeks ago—but I would say the border of Utah and Arizona. I had heard the name Bella then I saw a lady the size of Bella walk out of a neighboring store.

I know that it was rash to think it was her. For one I could automatically read her mind. Not that I tried but if I had I might have avoided what people thought was me _fainting_ in the middle of the store. I got up drank some water that I hated for I would just have to heave it out of my stomach later and went on my way hating myself for being so week but also loving how it felt to be so close to an almost Bella.

That one thought is what leads me on to my new disturbing obsession. I at first hated myself for being weak and not trusting myself to think about Bella. I always would think _I bet Bella is already moving on. She would not be this week. She would handle it and probably is handling better than me._ But how do you handle anything when it felt like huge gaping holes had been punched into your heart and chest. How do you go on when all you feel is emptiness? How do you continue leaving your life when what you were living for is no longer yours? I did not understand how Esme and Carlisle expected me to be able to be good company when the reason I even try to stay _alive_ was never going to be in my life anymore.

Since I had realized that there was never hope for a nice peacefulness in my life I realized I need to survive. I had never hoped on happy for there was no way I would ever be happy again without Bella there was no dream or want for that. But I could strive to survive and I had realized that there would be only one way to do that I needed Bella.

I knew I could not have the real her but I did the next best thing that was possible. I would have spied on her by listening to the thoughts of the people around her but I knew that if I got close enough to her to do that I would not be able to stop myself from seeing her and trying to beg her forgiveness and maybe just maybe doing something like telling her I would change her. Since that could not happen I did the next best thing also the simplest thing. I purely thought about her. I stopped tracking for days on end so I could just coil up into a ball in some remote place surrounded by trees or inside an abandoned buildings and thought of nothing but Bella.

My mind was so sharp thanks to being a vampire that I could hear her soft and fragile voice clear as if she was speaking it to me right at that given moment. I could smell her appealing blood I hated to say that it still made my mouth filled with venom. I could feel the softness of her hair in between my fingers I could taste her lips and tongue when we kissed. I re-memorized every curve of her face so that I could draw it blind folded. (Not that I could not before.) I knew every emotion she had ever shown me in our time together. I knew how she felt why she felt that way. I knew what I would change if I could go back in time. I would kiss her more, treat her better, and not wait as long as I did to tell her I love you.

That memory I played in my head more than any of the others. I could remember what I thought about before I said it. We were on our way to the god forsaken baseball game. I had kissed her something she was always so different about. Some days she would attack me for more… Well most days she would then other days she would just let me kiss her and in a very Bella fashion forget to breathe and what not. I had yelled at her for "attacking" me again and she had gotten upset when I told her to be mad at me for laughing at her when she fell of my back.

_"You were mad." She had insisted_

_ "Yes."_

_ "But you just said…" _

_ "That I was not mad at _you. _Can't you see that, Bella?" _ That was the moment I knew I would no longer get away with cryptic remarks that almost told her how much I loved her. She needed to know she had earned that much from me. I thought of a million ways to word the words I love you so they would sound romantic and sweet nothing however seemed perfect enough for her.

_"See what?" _ I remember seeing how I confused her by my sudden mood change. I also remembered how I loved and still love how she was not afraid to demand things from me. I was a killer vampire but she did not care. What more could someone ask for.

_"I'm never angry with you, how could I be? Brave, trusting… warm as you are." _ It was always at this part of the memory that if I was not already on the floor dying inside I was now. The mention at how warm she was… That I missed more than most things. I do not think she quite understood the way I used warm. It was not just her body heat that was warm it was so much more. It was her personality, her smile, her eyes, her heart, it was just her. She was warm. I had never met someone as warm as her. Alice was bubbly, Rose was cold. But Bella… Bella was warm she was my own personally warmth within an endless winter.

_"Then why?"_ she would whisper next. Her forehead crinkling up deep in thought and I would once again curse myself for not knowing what she was thinking about and hopping it was not anything bad about me but knowing it had to be.

I then did the one thing I liked almost but not quite as much as holding and kissing her. I placed both of my hands carefully -for I still feared I would break her—on both sides of her face and looked directly into her eyes and said gently, _"I infuriate myself, the way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to—"then_ Bella did the one thing only Belle would do she shut me up in the nicest most sweetest way possible,

_Placing her hand over my mouth she whispered, "Don't" The word was so kind so simple that I did what she asked. I stopped. I took her hand moved it from my lips and placed it to the side of my face, I loved the heat her body gave mine… the warmth of it. _

_ "I love you, it is a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true." _ I remember the look on her face when I uttered that. The pure shock that I had finally said the outright truth, she had been saying it to me for a while but this was the real first time I had said it to her. Which I always found sad because I had realized I loved her far before she had.

**I hopped you like it**

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**Next chapter maybe tomorrow **

**But who knows it being Christmas and all. (:**


	3. Ch 3 Messages

CH. 3 Messages

After my weeks and weeks of endless running I was staring up at the one place that I knew in the back of my mind I would end up going to. I had been running in this direction for over a month. I knew that I would eventually end up here. It was a little past midnight which was great because now that I was in the city I could not walk in the day. This place was not Forks with its overcast days. There had not been a single cloud in the sky for the three days I had been here. It had taken me that long to work up enough nerve and strength to come here.

I found the vase with the multicolored flowers painted on it and lifted it up. Underneath it like I prayed it would be was the key to Bella's old house. I quickly went inside and found her scent, which was not hard because it was everywhere. I had imagined walking in here holding Bella's hand and eating lunch with her mom and Phil. None of that was possible anymore. All I had now was old memories and wishes that drove me crazy.

I ended up finding my way into Bella's old room. It looked just the way I thought it would, other than the fact that it was empty. The walls were a beige color but with a slight pink undertone just enough to make it look happy. Then I saw pictures that were lying on the floor. I went and picked them up. They were pictures from her whole life. If I would have keep track of time I am pretty sure I spent a good four to six hours looking through all her pictures then some of her home videos.

I was watching Bella's eight birthday party and she looked so happy. It made my chest squeeze and made it hard for me to focus. Then I heard a little _beep beep_. It sounded like an incoming text message but after I checked my phone I realized it must have come from a computer. It only took me second to fine the culprit. I sat down and hacked into Renee's computer which was not hard at all. Username: Renee7 Password: Phil34. Which I figured meant his baseball number was 34 and her favorite number was seven.

I located where the sound had come from and it was an incoming email. If it had not been from Charlie I would not have bothered to snoop but I was as always curious, and I needed some way of knowing what was going on with Bella without asking Alice.

I clicked the open button and the message went as follows;

_Dear Renee,_

_ Bella seems to have gone into some sort of depression. It has been almost two months now. She has begun eating and drinking again, but she still will not talk unless spoken too directly. I am worried that she might never snap out of it. It is as if she thinks Edward died not just left but died. Maybe to her it feels that way since he left her without a word. _

_ I do not seem to understand why a nice boy like that would leave Bella high and dry. Whatever the reason I hope it was a good one. I am writing to tell you that I am thinking about sending her to live in Jacksonville with you. I know you still have your place in Arizona but if you sold it you would be able to afford taking care of Bella. I think a change in surroundings is what she needs. Please consider it._

_ -Charlie_

I don't know why I clicked the replay button or why I started typing. Maybe it was the fact that he does not realize that I did his daughter the biggest favor in the world so I felt the need to correct him. The real reason I knew was that I wanted to know more about Bella and this was the way I could get the information.

_Hello Charlie,_

_ I would love to have Bella come and visit but she is in the middle of a school year it would be cruel to pull her out now. I think maybe you should let her visit me during Spring Break but not any sooner. _

_ You should remember Charlie that Bella is strong and she will pull through. She has never gone through a break up quite like this one. Give her time and space, do not rush the healing process. Please keep me updated on her status I want to know if anything else goes wrong. She is my little girl._

_ P.s. Send Bella my love,_

_ -Renee _

I pushed send and waiting for his replay. I waited for three hours just wandering through her mothers' house and nothing came. I realized it might be days until he replays. I could not spend days in this place I would surly go mad. I needed to catch Victoria before she got away. If I could just kill her maybe I would be ok with living out the rest of my life without Bella. Maybe then I would feel like I accomplished something for her, did something to help her for once.

With that train of thought I shut down the computer turned off all the lights in the house and left it the same way I had found it earlier that day. I took one last look at the door closed my eyes and said a silent goodbye, vowing that I would never come back. This place held nothing for me. The only memories this place, this city, this state, held for me was the ones we had made the day James had taken Bella and almost killed her. I shook my head and ran away from the house and the city. The sun was going to rise soon and I had to be far away from the seeing eyes of people to be safe. I might have a death wish most days but I would not put my family at risk.

I figured that maybe if I could just focus all of my energy on finding Victoria maybe just maybe I might be able to live with the fact I left Bella un-protected. I kept that thought running through my mind as a silent hope. All I had right now was hope that one day this would maybe get easier or maybe one day I would have enough strength to go back to Bella and just watch her life. Even if I could not be in it I know that I would at least want to be able to watch from the sidelines. While thinking this through I was running full out through Arizona I wanted to get as far away from this state as possible. I was close to the border of New Mexico when I heard her. It was just a whisper of a thought but she was defiantly here. I sped up grateful that I was one of the fastest vampires I knew. I was not as fast as Victoria but I had surprise on my side. I doubted she knew I was tracking her, she probably did not even know that I had left Bella.

I was getting closer and closer it would be only mere minutes now before I got close enough to her that I might be able to see her. I was in luck for she was not running the fastest she could. I could clearly hear all of her thoughts now. _Strange things these vampires do._ I did not know what she meant by that but she had met other vampires. Not shocking for some reason vampires who did not stay in one place long, the opposite of us, I mean Carlisle, they like to stay in the sunny states. Maybe it because they want to feel the heat on their vampire skin, which is odd because we do not get warm but we can feel the rays of the sun, it is a strange feeling something you would have to get used to. Our family always lived more in the cold. When we lived in Alaska we got sun but it was muted not as bright and certainly not as warm. Alaska was a nice place to live for some of our family. Rose enjoyed it the most because she could act completely human there and no one would be the wiser.

If I had been paying more attention to where and how I was running I would have noticed that Victoria was running a pattern. To the left a hundred yards, to the right three hundred yards then back again. I didn't understand the pattern it made no sense to run this way. What was even more bizarre is that once she reached this rock formation so stopped dead in her tracks and turned left to go back where I figure she started. It was like she was marking out her _territory_ or something. I followed close behind. So far her thoughts were not much of a help because she was solely thinking of where and who to hunt next and calculation of latitude and longitude. It was infuriating.

I finally had enough of this chase that I picked up my speed. I ran a loop so I would be in front of her and she would never know. I was going to ambush her. I did not mind killing as much as some of my other siblings but I did not do it without due cause. I was half way around my sloppy arc when once again I got interrupted.

"It has been months Edward! You really need to learn how to call more often." I tried to interrupt but I was afraid that if I spoke Victoria would hear me. I was praying Alice would keep her voice down.

"I mean seriously Edward we all understand what you're going through but I think you need to stop and think about what you are doing. Like what you are doing right now, at this very moment, _in the middle of New Mexico, _it could be seen as unsafe…"

That had me skidding to a halt. I had been wondering why Alice would call me know because I knew she was watching me so she would know that I was in the middle of hunting Victoria. She must have seen something. I turned and ran the opposite direction that Victoria was headed. I ran far enough that I was sure that there was no way that I would be over heard. Just in case Alice did not call to warn me about chasing after her and I could go back and continue tracking her.

"Alice what are you talking about." I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger hating having to wait like this for answers. If she was here I would have known right away, the amazing power of reading minds.

"Edward you are headed into a trap. Victoria is not alone." I was speechless. Had Victoria known all along that I was chasing her?

"That is why I called you. I needed you to stop before you ran right into the other vampires she is with."

"How many is she with? How did you know?" I demanded.

"I only see two others but they seem old and wise. I do not think you could win this fight. I do not think that you would want to enter into this fight anyways. I knew because even though you obviously do not care enough about your family to call us doesn't mean we do not care about you. Plus I saw that you had finally decided to attempt to kill Victoria. Which in turn made me see what she was planning, and you know the rest."

"There are reasons I don't call you know." I started pacing growing more and more agitated with Alice. I wanted to get rid of the last person on Earth who wanted to harm my uh I mean Bella. She isn't mine anymore. My chest squeezed when I thought that. It was hard enough to go every day without her but even harder when I could not even help her by killing the person who wanted to hurt her.

"Alice I need to go. Victoria cannot be allowed to live anymore I will not allow it." I went to hang up the phone when Alice said,

"If you hang up I will go visit Bella and tell her that you found someone else and show her old pictures of you and Tanya." I hissed into the phone. It was one thing for Bella to think I left her but I knew Bella and it would break her heart to see that I had moved on so quickly. Even though it would also break my heart if Alice went to Bella and found out that she too had moved on. I wasn't sure which thought hurt me the most.

"Alice you _wouldn't_ dare! You promised you would make NO contact to her. She needs to move on with a more normal and human life!" I practically yelled the last part at her. Then I remembered where I was and who was around I quickly quieted my voice and spoke with caution, "Alice whenever I call you bring up Bella in some way shape or form and it just is too hard for me to think about. I would call if you did not talk about her."

I heard Alice huff out of breathe, "Well I mean she is my best friend and I am not even allowed to see her. It is kind of hard Edward."

"Hard for you Alice, she _was _your best friend. You can make new friends if you wanted. She is my love of my life or existents'. I will never have that again, and I had to give it up. That wasn't easy to do and I do not like how you think your pain is _anywhere_ near how bad I hurt. Everyday Alice I have to watch the sun rise and set and think about how today might be the day Bella moves on. Today Bella might kiss someone else. Today Bella might finally have sex with someone, and that someone will _not_ be me! Do you understand what I have to go through _every day _just to make it through the day? I don't think you do. So I am sooo sorry Alice if I don't call and have all those thoughts that I try so hard not to think about pushed into my head."

I wasn't sure how Alice was going to respond. I did love Alice but she was being cruel expecting me to want to talk about how I gave up the one person I loved above all others. It had been a long time since I spoke to Alice or any of the rest of my family but I just could not bring myself to want to. I knew they all loved Bella, well everyone expect Rose. They all missed her in some since. I also knew that deep down most if not all of them figured I would go back to Bella eventually, and that was what I was afraid of more than anything. Afraid that I would go back to her and find her in the arms of another man, find out that she did what I told her to do and moved on. Afraid that I was too late and I waited too long, I knew Bella was it for me, but was I it for her? I hopped not for her sake, but for mine I wished that she could only love me forever.

"Edward." Alice's voice was soft and careful I didn't blame her I was a ticking time bomb most days.

"Yea Alice?"

"I am sorry for everything that you have gone through. I am also sorry that I have been so insensitive. I do not know what I would do, or how I would even begin to function if I was forced to give up Jasper. I just want to let you know that we all think you did the right thing for you. We would all love to have Bella in the family but not at the price that it would cost. We do not blame you for leaving her. I know you are having a hard time, and I understand know that you cannot bear to but on a happy face for us. I understand. Just please just try and call whenever you can, at least to let us know where you are." I knew that if vampires could cry Alice would be crying. It made me feeling better and worse. Worse for being so mean to her but better to know that she would stop calling and that the rest of my family did not resent me for my decision to leave Bella and to leave home.

"Alice I forgive you for being insensitive. And I promise I will try to call you whenever I can muster it ok?"

"Ok Edward. I miss you, I mean we all miss you." I sighed

"I miss you and the rest of the family too. I will keep in touch but I got to go ok Alice?" I said it like a question because I did not want to hurt her feeling again. She was my sister after all. My favorite sister.

"Alright but just promise that you will wait until tomorrow to continue tracking Victoria?"

"Alice…fine I know you have a valid reason to ask this so ok. I promise I will wait until tomorrow."

***Alice's POV***

I had just gotten off the phone with Edward for the first time in little of a month. I had seen Victoria with two unknown at least unknown to me female vampires. They were talking about something then I saw Edward attack Victoria and the other two vampires came to her aid and they killed him.

I closed my eyes again when the vision was over. It was so horrible I could not image that it could actually happen. I knew that I had done the right thing when calling Edward even if he had some sort of death wish. I wanted to tell him that Bella was not doing well at all. That his thoughts that she would move on were in vain because she was barely moving as it was. She seemed to be in some sort of chronic depression. She had gone through all over October without doing, saying or eating much for what I had gathered and she has made it through all of November in the same strange trance. It is about two weeks into December and I do not think she is going to get better any time soon. If I thought Edward was bad Bella was terrible.

It was not as bad as I would have thought if I was just glancing at her life, because if you looked deeper more in depth which is what I attempted to do every time I got a vision about her, which was less often now, was that I saw her attempting to be normal for Charlie. She got up ate breakfast finally eating again, went to school which I saw one time her grade which were all A's very good. Then I learned why they were so good. She would not hang out with any of her friends. She just was a walking zombie. Spoke only when spoken too. It was scary. So maybe she was doing a little better than Edward. But what would Edward do when and if he caught Victoria and had nothing else to keep his mind on?

I had worried about that since the day he told us he was leaving Bella and I asked him what he was going to do. He told me I am going to track and kill Victoria. I knew Edward too well. That would maybe last him six months if he dragged it out. He had the rest of his life which was never ending to fill up without Bella.

I even asked him the day before we all left what he was going to do when Bella grew old and died.

_"I would find a way to follow after her. Just because I am not with her now does not mean I want to live in a world where she no longer is in. I would do something so if she was right about my soul in the sense that I still have one I would hope to find a way to follow her into the afterlife whatever that may be and be with her forever in a place where I could do no harm to her." _

I had thought that he would never be able to do it simple for the fact that I didn't actually believe that he would leave Bella or that she would let him. I saw it when she changed her mind about him. Not how much she loved him no, but she changed her mind from thinking that she was amazed that he loved her to she was amazed that she fooled herself into thinking he could love her. It would have broken my heart if I still had one. I saw the expression on her face. It was as if she never really believed she was good enough for him.

I was shocked when that did not stop Edward from leaving. It seemed to just strengthen his resolve. Which now that I am looking back I realize she had just given him the perfect out. She had straight out told him if you just say you do not love me and you do not need me I will let you go because I believe you. And so he did.

_**Sorry for the delay on this chapter holidays and all,**_

_**I hope you like it. Next Chapter will be a fast one but super intense.**_

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	4. Ch 4 False Pictures

Ch. 4 False pictures

***Edwards POV***

I found a nice valley not too far away from where I had last heard Victoria's voice. I would have seen it as beautiful if not for the fact that ever since I had realized I would need to leave Bella nothing seemed to be beautiful. Nothing could hold any appeal for me. Everything just looked dull and dead. A mirror of how I felt inside. I wanted more than anything to get up and run my way across the country and back into Bella's arms the fact that I could not do that ate me up inside.

I felt like death and what was worse is that I did not even care. I knew that this is what I choose to live with. Vampires are frozen in a never changing state. But even vampires can change if the right or wrong thing happens to them. Bella was my right and wrong thing. She was right because no matter what I would love her. She changed me in that way. She made me love her. Made me want her, and I did. There was no going back no moving on. I was stuck forever frozen in time loving her. I could not change that if I wanted to.

She was bad for me only in the since that I was bad for her. I had ruined her. That thought would surely ruin me.

The night passed by more slowly than I thought was ever possible. I was not precisely aware of where I was. I was curled up in a pathetic ball in some dark part of the forest. I could see a spider crawling on me. I knew at any other time I would have gently let it go, but for some reason this spider caused me pain. He was so peaceful so happy. Nothing would ever bother him. He did not have to go through heart ache or the feeling of pure and utter emptiness. I flicked the spider of my hand and closed my eyes letting the grief have its way with me.

My mind was stuck on a certain painful memory. It was when I had first decided to go see Bella when she was sleeping. I opened up her window and cringed when it squeaked but I was thankful for the fact that she was an overly heavy sleeper. I climbed through the window and held my breath. The smell of her blood was so strong I quickly to a breath in to get my body adjusted to it. I hated how even now, when I was staring at the girl I had just recently realized I loved, the monster inside of me was coming out. Whenever I took a breath that was filled with her sweet scent that was her blood my mouth would fill with venom. My mind would run through a hundred ways that I could kill her without being noticed. He blood called to me in ways that I was so beyond ashamed of.

This memory was not painful because I could remember the smell of her blood like she was lying next to me. No it was painful because of what happened next.

I focused on Bella, her silhouette that was underneath her covers, I willed my mind to focus on her not her smell but the outline of her face. How peaceful she looked. The way she was mumbling things in her sleep, I out right begged my brain to just focus on the person that is Bella not the smell that was surrounding her. Not the blood that was inside of her.

I finally had some control over my emotions, I let my mind and eyes wander. I saw that she had a few books stacked messily by her bed. I wanted to go over and read what the covers were but I did not trust my self-getting that close. I stayed where I was just staring at her. Watching her.

I tried to understand what she was mumbling about in her sleep but to no avail. It could have been hours that passed, and I knew it probably was, before she did the one thing that makes this memory torturous to bare. She whispered my name. It was quiet and at first I did not believe my ears but then she said it again fair louder but still not above a whisper. Then she muttered an _Edward… Don't…go._

That one line kept repeating itself over and over within my head. _Edward… Don't…go._

_Edward… Don't…go. Edward… Don't…go. Edward… Don't…go._

Over and over again it went. For hours I had to endure that memory that line repeating itself. She was begging me in her sleep before I had even told her of my feelings not to leave her, and what do I do? I leave. I leave her cold and dry. I make up some lame excuse about her safety and leave her, in the middle of the woods. _Alright she was on the path and we were nowhere near the middle but still._

I deserved all this pain my mind was causing me and more. I had broken the heart of the most delicate creature in the world. I had broken every promise I had ever made to her, all because I had no right to want her, to need her, to call her mine in the first place.

I was running through what I would think would be either the end of Georgia or the beginning of Florida. I hated to be out in the sun like this granted I was running in a well shaded area but still I could see the way my skin looked and how it made the area around me look. It made me nervous. If I didn't have my mind reading powers I would have been more careful but I knew that no one was around for miles.

It had been a month since I had lost the scent of Victoria. I was tracking it Texas when it just disappeared. I had called Alice just too simply ask her to look if she could locate Victoria for me. She said all she got where some images of Rio de Janeiro. I had been overly pissed to realize that I was not even on the right continent. Alice had suggested that I take a plane there. But I had a lifetime to hunt her down and I was not going to speed up the process.

I secretly knew that I was just afraid of what I would become once I did not have Victoria to hunt down. I would probably do what I already do just more often. Which is, I would curl up into a ball more or less and let misery take me. I would let my memories of Bella turn into thoughts of what could have become a beautiful marriage, but I would also end up welcoming thoughts of how she would be turned into one of us and I shuttered at the thought but how I might one day be the cause of her untimely demise.

I had been running for so long that it had to be around February by now. I knew that it was before Valentine's day because whenever I did get close enough to a person women usually their minds were always filled with the same old rant about _what is he going to get me_ or _I wish this holiday would just be done with. _It was easy to tell apart the people who did have someone to share this disgusting holiday with and those like me who did not.

I would be lying if I said I did not think about Bella, and what she might be doing right now. Did she have a valentine? If so who was it? Was he good enough for her? Did he make her happy? Would he shown her the love and passion she so deserved? Would he love her like I used to?

***Alice's POV***

I had been watching Bella all the time lately. She seemed to be into doing some pretty for lack of a better word retarded things.

I will admit that I was shocked when she woke up. She went to the movies with Jessica, not my first choice but whatever. I also could not blame her walking out every time the movie got even a little bit sappy. I knew she was far from better. She was just making a descent effort to hide how bad she still hurt from Charlie.

What did shock me was when she walked over to these scum bags on bikes. She honestly thought she knew them. I don't understand why she thought that but she did. Then right when they noticed her she froze and looked around like a mad women. She took a very small step forward and bam! She started to look around again. Then after doing that a few times she walked back to Jessica.

Bella Swan was going to give me a heart attack one way or another.

The only other crazy thing I had seen her do was purchase a pair of motorcycles. After she rode away with them I lost the vision. I would have freak out and thought she died on those things if I did not see her agree some time later well it would be to her but to me it was only a few days later but she agreed to go on a date with Mike. I mean she hated how she followed him around like a puppy dog and granted she had also decided to bring loads of other people all the names of which I recognized except Jacob and Quil, I pushed that to the side who knows who could have started school after we left, but still. I could see how she was trying to move on.

That thought had me thinking about many things. I was happy she was trying to be happy but what happens if she did move on? I knew that Edward still wanted a future with her and one day he would come to his senses. It had only been ok it had been several months to Bella but to Edward it was nothing just a simple drop of water in the bucket.

I worried that if he waited too long he would miss his chance. I knew that he loved her and he would not be able to live without her. It was the exact same way I felt about Jasper. I could not bear the thought of being without him. But if I had been in Edward's shoes and I thought that leaving Jasper was the best and safest thing to do, I knew I would. That is how much I loved him that is how much Edward loved Bella.

***Edward's POV***

A few more weeks had passed and I was in Rio de Janeiro, there was no sight or thought or even smell that Victoria had ever been here. I sighed feeling lost in a world where I knew I would never find a place where I belonged.

I was currently in some dark abandoned building trying to figure out what to do next. On one of my short calls to Alice and the rest of the family updating them on where I was Esme had so nicely told me I could spend time on the little island Carlisle bought for her awhile back. I told her I might but I knew I wouldn't there was something about that island that made me think of only Bella. I would not torture myself to that. _Yet._

It was funny being in this abandon building. All the rats ignored me and so did the spiders. I guess the one in the forest that one day had a death wish or something. I inhaled not needed to but it calmed my down a bit. Not much but enough so my thoughts would at least start to make sense. The air was held heavy scents of cooking oil, putrid meat, human sweat, and I could also smell the firm layer of pollution that was clearly visible in the humid air, it was almost like a black film was placed over everything.

The building I was currently hiding in was two stories. It was always quite close a nearby small Spanish village so I was privileged to being able to hear the thoughts and voice of everyone around. I did not bother trying to separate the thoughts from the voices I could not bring myself to care. I just let all the sounds bounce off me. Meaningless sounds. All of it was meaningless. My very existence was meaningless. The whole world without my Bella was meaningless.

***Alice's POV***

I saw her jump! I mean I knew Bella was sad a depressed but enough to jump? I waited and waited for her to come out of the water but no vision of that came to me. I was doing the vampire version of crying on Jaspers shoulder.

Just then Rosalie walks in she took one look at me already hearing my early vision of Bella jumping and she took off. I was not quite sure what she was going to do. All I could see about her was that she was going to track down Emmett. I knew she was keeping something from me.

I told Jasper that I had to go and comfort Charlie help in away way I could. I knew that this was my families fault. If we had never interfered with Bella's life she would not have killed herself. I packed a small bag just enough money to pay for a funeral and some other things then I left for Forks.

***Rosalie's POV***

I kept my decisions to a minimum. I would decide everything last minute. I knew Alice saw me going to Emmett who I was going to go see but what she did not know was that I did not decide when I would go see him. I did not think about what I was about to do but I knew for some reason I had to tell _Emmett _what had happened to Bella. I wanted to be the one to tell him. He deserved to know.

***Edward's POV***

I heard Rosalie's mind from a distance away. If I was not so used to hearing her it would have taking me longer to hear her. Then when I did hear her I wished I had not. Her mind was shouting at me. She wanted me to listen but she did not know when I would be able to hear her. So in true Rosalie fashion she just kept mentally screaming the same line over and over and over again.

_"EDWARD! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead!_ _EDWARD! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead!_ _EDWARD! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead!_ _EDWARD! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead!_ _EDWARD! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead!_ Then all I could hear was _Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead she committed suicide! Bella is dead she committed suicide! _Then it just turned to chants of Bella is dead.

My Bella, my beautiful Bella had killed herself because of me. I knew it was because of me. Not just because of the mental images that came with Rosalie but because I knew that if I was her I would have eventually done the same thing.

I was frozen for a minute not believing what she was saying. I knew I would feel something if Bella died. I knew I would. But I felt nothing. No I felt empty. Not like I have the last six or so months. Not like I had lost a part of myself, now I felt as if there was truly now reason for me to live.

I picked up my phone and dialed the one number that even in death I would not forget.

It rang only twice before a man answered it sounding both annoyed and strangely husky, "_Swan residence," _the voice answered. I knew that it was not Charlie who had answered the phone. I was positive that I had never heard this man's voice in all my life.

"Hello this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen is Chief Swan available?" I spoke the words in the same smooth and calm manner that Carlisle always talked. It was torture because inside I was dying every second that I did not find out if Bella was still alive. I had a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach that I would not be able to go on the same after this phone call.

_"He's not here." _The voice on the other line turned menacing

"Where is he?" My voice was the same clipped threatening tone

_"He's at the funeral."_ I noticed nothing else my world went black. I had no more feelings. Nothing else in the world mattered. If I was human I was sure I would have fainted but inside I crushed the phone in my hand and ran off. Already planning how I was going to join Bella in the afterlife.

***Alice's POV***

I ran to Bella after I had my vision. It was terrible.

First I had one about Rose she was barrling through Bravil in her car trying to find Edward. I knew what she was doing. I knew that she was about to destroy him. I also knew that I was too late.

I reached for my phone and went to call her and tell her she needed to go hunt him down again and make it right but I knew that she was already on her way home. She was quick. Then I had another vision. This one was all Edward. He had heard Rose's load thoughts even though she was so far away. He had heard her and called here to see if Bella was alive then he after hearing some news decided that he was going to die, at the hands of none other than the Volturi.

I ran inside and found Bella and the mutt.

"Bella." I choked out. I saw the alarm on her face she asked me what was wrong and all I could say was, "Edward."

**I know it is not much of a cliffy since everyone knows what happens but you don't know the emotion that are going to go through Edward… But I do, and soon you will too.**

**I would really enjoy some more reviews just so I can know if you guys like what I have down so far.**

**Thank you and always enjoy (:**


	5. Ch 5 Decisions

Ch. 5 Decisions

***Alice's POV***

I watched as Bella attempted to take in the news. She swayed were she was standing and I was afraid that she might faint. Which was odd seeing how I hadn't yet told her what was wrong with him. Maybe she sensed that he was in danger, or even that if we didn't react soon he would be dead. Either way I was grudgingly glad that the _mutt_ had got her onto the couch before she could face plant.

"What did you do to her?" He rudely demanded to me. If he had just a little bit of patience he would find out…dumb dog.

I ignored him and turned to Bella, "Bella? Bella, snap out of it. We have to hurry." I was a little afraid that she would take more than a few minutes to come too. We didn't have the extra time.

"Stay back." The mutt did what I would interpret as a warning.

"Calm down, Jacob Black, You don't want to do that so close to her." I knew that he would hate me for saying that, but I also hopped it would make him cool it. He was starting to shake pretty bad. The last thing I needed was to be taking Bella into the emergency room because of this pup.

"I don't think I'll have any problem keeping my focus." Yup he was cooling down, score one for me.

"Alice?" Bella's voice got me back on track "What happened?" She asked.

"I don't know, what is he thinking?" I practically wailed.

As Bella sat up I pulled out my phone and dialed Carlisle's number. Rose of course picked up how she made it home so fast I don't know and I probably never will care enough to ask,

"Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle _now."_ I said as fast as I could I listened to her tell me he was out. She knew I knew but she didn't know that Bella was alive… Or did she?

"Fine, as soon as he's back. " She asked me if she wanted me to have her pick me up. "No, I'll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?"

I listened to her tell me exactly how she hunted him down. I already knew all of this, and I was pretty sure she was just telling me to gloat that she was the one who told him, even though she knew I had seen her do this. I still had a hard time listening to it, now knowing the outcome.

"Why?" I gasped. "_Why_ would you do that, Rosalie?" For some reason the lack of remorse in her answer of _he needed to hear that Bella went and killed herself from someone why not me, don't freak Alice he will be fine_ just pissed me off and made the grief of what she did all too real.

"Well, you're wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don't you think" I put as much acid into my words as possible.

"Yes that's right. She's absolutely fine—I was wrong… It's a long story… But you're wrong about that part, too, that's why I'm calling… Yes, that's exactly what I saw." I knew Rosalie felt terrible and so did I, but she had no need to hunt him down to tell him this. Never was that needed. She caused this mess as much as I did.

My voice turned cold and hard after I heard her apologize, "It's a bit late for that, Rose. Save your remorse for someone who believes it." I snapped the phone closed. I turned to face Bella afraid of how she was going to take this and afraid that the moment I said this aloud it would become real.

"Alice," Bella blurted… here comes the beginning or the end was all I could think.

***Edward POV***

I was running not walking anymore, not buying my time wishing that the days would be longer like I did when I was with Bella and not walking to cause myself more pain. I am running, running because I knew now that I was only days away from seeing Bella again.

I never bought into the other life ordeal; never really thought there was a God, because what God would create monsters. What God would create me… I destroyed one of the purest and most beautiful people on the whole Earth. I killed Bella. Why would a God create me to love her? In what would is that sane or ok. Why make me happy when all it did was cause her death.

I remembered back to the day that Alice had seen to futures for Bella, both of which I still would refuse to accept. One where she is drained dry. I shivered just thinking about it. Then the other which held her with bright crimson eyes and deathly pale skin. That one made me feel a mixture of things. I felt sad because in this version of herself she was even more beautiful if that was even possible, but also sad because whenever I had pictured any version of her face the last few months it would send a stab a pain throughout my whole empty chest. But now there was a much more painful sensation going through my hollow chest.

I felt nothing. My reason for living was gone. I would have accepted this fate had it happened. I would have secretly and evilly loved it and praised _God_ for it all the while knowing she might and probably will be condemned to hell with me because of this. I would have still loved the change all the same. I would be upset and worried for her at first but then I knew that she would be less fragile and safer so I could live with it.

Now though, now I don't even have that option. Now all I have is one option. Die. There was only one way to get that done, the Volturi. They would kill me somehow. If they don't do it by choose which I doubt they would I would find some way to force their hand.

I hated the feeling that was always with me when I was away from Bella. The feeling that I had left half of myself, even more than half, behind with her, I hated feeling the loss. I did hope that the feeling of the enormous collapse within my chest would go away, but even now as I was running towards my death, towards seeing Bella again, it was there and it was more powerful than ever.

I shook my head. I knew my family would be sad to see me go, but I haven't been happy in so long they might think it was for the better maybe not Esme, no it would destroy her but everyone else would hopefully understand. They all knew how destroyed they would be if they lost the one person, there one and only soul-mate, lost them because of themselves. Lost them because they were to selfish to afraid that they would hurt them and hate themselves for that.

No, everyone but Esme would understand. But even Esme would one day forgive me. She would understand on some level but she loves me like a mother, for she is my mother, but even she who wanted to die because she lost her child does not and cannot understand the feeling of knowing that you alone killed your soul mate.

I started to think about everything and anything to pass the time that seemed to be moving so slowly just to torture me. I thought about how Bella's hair smelled of strawberries and spices. How her eyes were always the only way that I could truly get a glimpse into her brilliant silent mind.

I loved and hated how her blood sung to me. But it seemed strangely right now that her blood would have such and effect on me. I can see now how it was a test. If I could endure her blood and keep her safe I could deserve her. But I didn't keep her safe I killed her I failed the test. I had left her for God's sake.

I left her for my own selfish reasons. I couldn't handle thinking I would cause her pain. I knew, I always knew she was the only one I would love, but I had some vain hope that maybe my words of I don't love you would be enough for her to let go. I was wrong. I killed her. And now I was going to kill myself the only way a vampire can.

Out of nowhere a thought came into my head. It was Bella and I, and we were lying on the couch watching that god forsaken movie…Romeo and Juliette.

Shakespeare is a brilliant writer but why high school teachers make us watch the movie is beyond me. I rather just listen to Bella mumble the lines under her breath than watch it. But it was what Bella wanted to do, so we did.

I sat there the whole movie, just watching Bella. She was so involved with the movie. I was glad that I couldn't tell if she found the simply un-unique Romeo nothing of interest I didn't feel like getting jealous over a movie character that by now is far older than the teenage boy he played.

I leaned my head against her lightly and placed a kiss as soft as a feather against her head. She looked up at my with so much love in her eyes, then she looked back to the movie.

I remember hearing Romeo utter some line full of overrated teenage angst and sighed,

"_You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo." _

"_What's wrong with Romeo?" Bella had asked sounded oddly offended. I knew Romeo was one of her favorite fictional characters._

_I sucked in a quick breath and began, I didn't want her to have some sort of thing for him anymore, "Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"_

_All she did was sighing. I did not even faze her. "Do you want me to watch this alone?" stubborn as always._

"_No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." My fingers started tracing patterns across the skin in her arm, I remember likely the way it caused goose bumps to appear. "Will you cry?" _

"_Probably," She admitted, "if I'm paying attention." I locked in a laugh that threated to escape and her little threat. _

"_I won't distract you then." _ It was weird I know, but when Bella cried and movies it made me love her even more. She felt for the people who were not real. She felt enough for Romeo and his Juliette to cry silent tears for them after they died. Something not many other people would have done. I would say they deserved the tragic way they died. Would have said that they should have not been so dim-witted and shallow. Not Bella. Never Bella she felt for the love they never got to share. The lives that they would never have, she felt sorry for them, loss for them, and the best thing of all she felt love for them. Pure and beautiful love.

"_I'll admit" I said after the movie had finished, "I do sort of envy him here," I started drying her tears with a lock of her hair._

"_She is very pretty." I was ashamed at Bella for even thinking that I had even once noticed the plain actress when she was lying right next to me. I made some sort of disgusted sound,_

"_I do not envy him for the girl—just the ease of the suicide, all you humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny bile of plant extracts…" _ I laughed as I remembered how repulsed she seemed that I had even thought about suicide. My chest right where my heart would be burned as squeezed itself thinking about how easy it was for Bella to leave, to die. I was supposed to protect her, even if that meant saving her from herself.

I had failed at everything when it came to her. I failed to prove to her I loved her. I failed to protect her from James, and Jasper, and now me. I would always be failing when it came to Bella. I never did deserve her.

I willed myself to go back to the ironic memory that I was so wrapped up in…

"_What?" Bella gasped. _

"_It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" My voice dropped the serious tone not liking to talk about Carlisle's past. "And he's clearly still in excellent health." I finished with a much lighter tone._

_Bella's face twisted around so that she was staring directly at me. Her eyes were so full of concern. "What are you talking about?" She demanded. "what do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?" I could see the vague hurt in her eyes._

_I quickly tried to make that look of despair that her deep brown eyes held disappear, "Last spring, when you were… nearly… killed…" I paused and took a deep breath mentally pushing away the images that were now swarming in my brain. Images of a broken and half dead Bella lying bleeding on the ballet floor once again because of me, I pushed them out of my head. _

_I tried to go for a more teasing tone hoping that wouldn't bring back the heartbreaking images that drove me mad with guilt and hatred. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human." _

I remember watching Bella as she looked off into the distance, which I knew meant she was thinking or remembering something. I saw her face scrunch up with despair and sadness. I wanted to comfort her but she was still thinking and I knew she hated when I interrupted her.

Her thinking seemed to go on forever when really it was only a few moments. It was times like this when I wished that I could hear Bella's thoughts. I wished I could see what she was thinking about and help to understand that I would never have to do something like that because she would never die not like that and not because of me.

That thought forced me to my knees with grief. I had been so wrong. I had thought then that nothing would stop me from protecting Bella. But little did I knew then that the one thing that did stop me from protecting her was myself. I had lied to her. I told her nothing was ever going to hurt her I had told her that I loved her and that I would be there for her no matter what, that I loved her no matter what. I lied. Not about loving her, but I wasn't there.

She knew that I had broken every promise I had made to her. She even thought I broke the one about loving her. That one I could never break, but I convinced her in a few short sentences that I had moved on and that she needed to as well. I had taken back every word of love spoken to her. I left her alone. All because I was not strong enough to realize that I was being selfish. I was too much of a self-righteous fool to stay.

That lone thought got me off my knees and back to running. I knew I would have to swim soon but it would also soon be dark so I knew that my trip was soon coming to an end.

I wanted an easy way for the rest of the day to go, I thought back to the current memory of choice of Bella and me.

_Bella shook her head as if clearing away some bad memories which made me want even more to pull her into my lap and kiss all of her troubles away, but I stayed were I was letting her collect her thoughts. "Contingency plans?" She had repeated._

"_Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes of course Bella wouldn't think that was obvious. "But I want sure how to _do_ it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would got to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."_

_I could see that she didn't want to believe that I actually had thought about dying in order to be with her, but honestly what did she expect. Me just to live forever without her not likely, silly human girl._

"_What is the _Volturi?_" She demanded furious, of course._

"_The Volturi are a family, a very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?"_

"_Of course I remember" Was all she said._

"_Anyways, you don't irate the Volturi, not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do." I was almost bored thinking about death. If we went to some other place great if we didn't it didn't matter because anywhere without Bella would seem like hell to me. _

_I expected her to be made but I was surprised when her hands gripped both sides of my face and she looked at me in the eyes with such horror and pain that it broke my unbeating heart to see it,_

"_You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"_

Sorry Bella I already broke every promise that mattered, might as well start on the ones that weren't as important.

"_I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point?" _

"_Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" She looked in turn pain now,_

"_What would you do if the situation were reversed?" I asked_

"_That's not the same thing." I glared at her then chuckled_

"_What if something did happen to you?" she said, "Would you want me to go off myself?" pain floated through me._

And again now as I thought back to this conversation, I was dead enough to her that she rather die than live another day waiting for me. I knew that she would not have killed herself if she was happy. If I was the cause of that un happiness some vain part of me thought so. But even so she had said she wouldn't die because of me, then she most likely did.

For what seemed like the hundredth time in the past few minutes pain shot through my dead and cold chest. This time so strong it had me on the floor of some forest or jungle. I laid there begging my mind not to take me back to the memory but also willing it too if it gave me another few moments to see her face.

"_I guess I see your point… a little" I had to admit, but I knew I would see kill myself in a heartbreak if her heart had cease to beat. "But what would I do without you?" _

"_Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence." It made me sad that she thought that she had changed my life so little that she had made so little impact on my life, that if she was to die, I could go on with my life. I could never live a full hearted day without her._

"_You make it sound so easy." Was all I wanted to say_

"_It should be. I'm not really that interesting." I was going to argue, and I would have argued as long as it took if I did not hear Charlie's footsteps heading toward the house. "Moot point," is all I said. _

I quickly escaped from the memory not wanting to dwell on what happened next. Because what happened next changed my life, well Bella's life too, forever.

***Alice's POV***

Bella and I were on the plane to Italy. I knew that in a few short hours the sun would start to think about rising, and Edward would be waiting for the Volturi's answer. While the sun was thinking about its upcoming day if Edward got a no, I knew he would be thinking about how to force their hand. If he got a yes, I could only bet that he would feel his head with Bella. I wouldn't be surprised if that is all he is thinking about right now.

Bella was the only thing he had ever thought about since the day he first saw her. But back then it was how to stay away from her, then it turned out to be how best to stay with her, then how best to break her heart, how best not to beg for her to take me back, now it was most likely how best to die so I can see her again.

I wished there was a faster way to tell him Bella was ok. I wished it didn't involve the Volturi or Bella. He left her for god sake. Well we all did, but still he left her alone and broken. Left her with a pack of young werewolves with a not shocking anger problem to deal with on her own, all the while she was grieving from him. Living half a life, if that.

He should have known better. He should have been less upset at Jasper. He should have stayed. But he didn't and we couldn't change that know.

I can still remember the day I had my first vision of them kissing. It was after he dropped her off at her house after they went hiking. I wasn't surprised when he decided to kiss her sooner. It was one if not the happiest days of his life.

He had said to me, _"Alice, I know this is going to sound insane, but I could spend every second of everyday kissing her. I could hold her in my arms and be just as happy, or stare into her eyes. But when I kiss her, even if she attacks me, I fall into a place of pure bliss. It takes everything of my self-control not to rip off her un-flattering clothes and kiss her until she can no longer breathe. Is that how it is with you and Jasper. I have seen your thoughts when you kiss not willing but it doesn't seem the same."_

"_It was at first. And it still is most days. But after a while you learn there will always be time for kissing and sometimes a hand to hold is enough to make it through the day." I had winked at him because honestly it was still the same. I still wanted Jasper at every minute of every day, I just didn't show it the way Rosalie and Emmett did. Jasper didn't really like P.D.A. and I don't really care one way or another._

I just wanted him to know that there was some sort of middle ground that he could hope for. A place where he would still want Bella but not have to have that annoyingly painful tug every time he saw her, it was a lie, sure but it was a good one, one that was only meant to do good things for him.

**Hey (:**

**I hope this chapter was good enough.**

**I didn't want anything really major to happen, because I sort of had to eat of a few days of travel. This chapter just lets you guys know what Edward is doing while running to the Volturi. Which is of course replaying his past that involved Bella, **

**The next chapter Edward will meet with the Volturi,,, how crazy will his mind be with ideas of how to die? I guess you will have to wait…**

**I promise next chapter will come faster than this one did, sorry exams, yada yada yada,**

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**p.s next chapter probably tomorrow (no school)**

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